Thoughts on Depression

I have had these thoughts running around in my head and thought I would share them. Before I even start I will admit to being a sufferer of depression and anxiety disorders so I suppose I am not the most unbiased person on this subject :) However, I believe my points are still valid. I have struggled with how bad I feel inside for as long as I can remember, and that really is not an exaggeration or at least not much of one. Once I accepted Christ and became a Christian that should have been the end of the struggle, right? WRONG! Oh I kept wanting that to be the case, I expected it to all go away at any minute while at the same time feeling as if it never would. For years I sat in church and heard the condemnation, whether it was really there or not, of Christians with "long faces" more times than I can count! The more I heard it the more afraid I was to admit something was wrong with me. I am sure that on plenty of occasions I ACTED as if something was wrong even if I never spoke the words. That was my pitiful cry for help I guess.

I did everything I ever heard a Christian should do when depressed, I prayed and read my bible and rebuked the devil - still no relief. I didn't know why it didn't work so it got to where I spent years questioning whether my conversion was real! After all, I was being told Christians have no reason to be depressed and yet I was, so therefore I must not really be a Christian. Somewhere deep down I knew that wasn't true but I was so afraid. There were nights I was afraid to go to sleep because I knew I would wake up in hell. I even set my alarm clock to wake me up every few hours some nights just to be sure I was still alive. I still could not bring myself to ask for help because of the fear of what people would say or think. It took me until I almost had no choice but to seek help because it was either that or suicide. I know of other Christians who chose suicide rather than risk judgment or condemnation, real or imagined. Now if that is not a prime example of what they mean by Christians being the only group who kill their wounded I don't know what is. The truth is depression can be a legitimate illness in a lot of cases and one that needs treated. We cannot lump every case of it together under the umbrella of demon oppression/possession. Discernment needs to be used in each case. Regardless though, what we hide can never heal.

Is my point in all this to condemn the church? Not at all! My fellow brothers and sisters in Christ are precious to me and none of us are perfect. I guess I just want to make those few who will actually read this aware that there are some ideas within the church that it may be time to re-examine so that we don't cause further hurt to those already wounded who sit around us in church week after week. Let the church be a place of healing and safety.

The Weekend is here!

I always look forward to weekends. I don't know why, but even though I am long done with school I still like them! :) Today was a quiet day. My face is a little sore from my teeth cleaning yesterday, but other than that all is well. Tomorrow my niece and nephew will be over and we are taking them to breakfast at Bob Evans to see the Easter Bunny. I love spending time with those kids! I love them to pieces.

WOW!

I guess I am not very good at keeping up with this thing! LOL! Sorry about that. I started this to chronicle my weight loss with Weight Watchers but that ended ages ago! Don't ask me why. I never did like writing down every thing and stuff like that. My doctor and I are looking into weight loss surgery. Here's hoping!

Rough Time Lately

My health is definitely not good.  I frequently get bronchitis but this time despite antibiotics it went into pneumonia.  So between feeling generally bad and trying to keep up, well catch up is more like it, with classes I haven’t been online much lately.  And of course I haven’t been focusing on Weight Watchers which I know isn’t good.  That will come when I get my health back.  I have to admit that I sense things declining health-wise and it scares me a bit.

On a personal note I have had to deal with some old things I thought I had dealt with in regards to a relationship.  I lost a friendship (for the second time) several years ago.  I thought I had dealt with being angry and hurt by this friend’s decision to cut off the friendship and making feel like I was some yo-yo to be jerked around.  We caught up with each other through Facebook awhile back but the other day I removed her from my friends list because I realized it did cause me pain.  I wish I could go back and fix things but I can’t.  I can see where I was wrong and won’t try to deny that or justify it.  I would love to show that I can be a good friend, maybe someday God will give me that chance, maybe not.  Either way, I have gained a new perspective.  In my future relationships of any kind I will not act like someone won’t care about me if I don’t have some problem for them to fix. 

I seriously don’t want to be someone who hurts others, especially those close to me! I know that to some when another person breaks off a relationship that is the end of it, I get that and I respect this friend’s decision and have not tried to change it.  But to me there is a feeling of things not being right.  I don’t think Christians are meant to have broken relationships with one another and when one exists it unsettles me.  But it takes two to change that so there is nothing else I can do.

Anyway, I am going to go now before I cry about it all again.  Life is too short for that!

My Favorite Kind of Day

After my sister dropped the kids off on her way to work we all went out to breakfast and then ran to Wal-Mart.  My sister finished early today and we decided to run around some more, hehehe.  We ended up going to K-Mart, Old Navy, Famous Footwear and Target.  What can I say, shopping is fun! LOL! After that we had dinner at Golden Corral, one of my favorite places to eat.  Days like today really are my favorite kind of day! It doesn’t take much to make me happy :) I actually miss my sister and the kids when they go home.

I have to add one thing though, I know I have blown my diet recently and will pay for it at weigh-in.  *sigh*

Sorry For My Absence

I was pretty laid up with bronchitis for most of last week.  I even missed two classes and I am not happy about that! LOL! I am feeling better,thank God.  But I know my diet has suffered lately and I dread weighing in tomorrow night!

My Birthday

I can’t believe I am 38 today! I have no clue how that happened! Where did my life go??? LOL! Well I don’t feel old and I know I’m not so I will not dwell on it.  At least I hope I don’t :)  Despite the age thing today was a great day.  I went to my classes and enjoyed them.  Later I went with my family to Applebee’s for dinner.  I LOVE their steaks! I even got a free dessert, not that I need it but it was good anyway.  Besides calories don’t count on your birthday, everyone knows that! LOL! Of course when I weigh-in at Weight Watchers on Thursday I will wish I hadn’t thought that way tonight, hehehe.  Hannah and Joey got me some cute Hello Kitty things for my birthday.  Too adorable!  Also I got a lot of birthday wishes on Facebook that really made my day.  So all in all this was a good day!

Another Weigh-In Day

Well I lost 1.6 lbs. this week for a total of 7.8 in two weeks.  Not too shabby :) I really wish for all this to  happen faster since I am not getting any younger! LOL! But I know slower is healthier and longer lasting so I will keep at it.  I pray God He works a miracle and helps me not have tons of hanging skin when I have lost most of the weight.  That is truly a fear of mine.  But it sure isn’t worth keeping the weight on just so that doesn’t  happen.

Once again I am not looking forward to having to go to classes tomorrow but I WILL go and I know it will be ok.  I will be looking forward to it before I know it.

Fall Semester Starts!

I was feeling very excited about it, but today I felt like my heart wasn’t totally into it.  I suppose it could have just been an off day and things will change.  Regardless, I am going to plow on and do what I need to!  Challenging myself might be good for me :)

Weight Watchers wise I had a setback yesterday :( I gave into my craving for Papa John’s pizza and chicken strips.  Granted I counted it all as best I could so that is a good thing, but all in all I wish I hadn’t given in.  There were 4 pieces left and I ate two tonight for dinner and threw the other two away.  No more temptation!

Weigh-In Day

I lost 6.2 lbs. this week! WOW! I am totally in shock at that.  I thought maybe a few pounds but not that many! LOL! I feel like I can keep doing this even though I know that in a week or two I won’t be losing as much each week.  I just want to keep developing good habits.

I need to head to bed soon so I will write more later.

I Surprised Myself!

I had the chance to go out to eat tonight but I didn’t plan for that so I didn’t have enough points left on Weight Watchers for the day and I decided to stick to what I did plan to have.  That is something I would have never done in the past.  In a way I felt good about it because I stuck to what I believed was right and that was encouraging.

There is more I would write but I am so tired right now that I could fall asleep right here! LOL!

My Thinking Is Changing!

I used to think of dieting as restriction – don’t eat this, don’t eat that – but I am beginning to change that way of thinking.  With Weight Watchers it is not cheating to eat something you like if you count the points for it and that is what I did when having Wendy’s for dinner tonight.  So I got to have what I wanted and not feel guilty about it.  I am beginning to think that this may be liberating for me, LOL!

I think part of my wanting to eat what I did tonight was because I have to have a CT scan of my head and sinuses tomorrow due to these headaches I have been getting.  I am nervous about it, but not overly so.  I will keep whoever is reading this thing  updated on that :)

Three Days And Counting

Ok, once again I tracked everything I ate! WOW! This Weight Watchers thing may work out for me this time! Lord help me to stay focused :)  I am just trying to focus on the small goals for now.  At least that is getting easier for me than in the past.  I was watching Ruby tonight and I have only recently gotten the Style channel so I just started watching it, what an inspiration she is! If her and others with tremendous amounts of weight to lose can do it, so can I!

We have been without hot water for about two days because we smelled a gas leak and the gas company came out and found the trouble and it was the hot water tank so he shut off the gas until we got it fixed.  My brother-in-law fixed it today so we are good to go now.  Life is always an adventure :)

Success For Today Too!

I took each meal today as it came and decided not to stress about it.  It worked!! LOL! Imagine that! I was babysitting my sister’s kids today and that usually can mean eating on the run, but I counted everything I ate according to plan.  When my sister came home from work we all went out to dinner and I planned what I was going to have in advance and stuck to it.  It felt good to finish a meal and be satisfied and NOT have to feel guilty about what I ate! I have a feeling that this time at Weight Watchers will be different.  I no longer see eating something that I would normally say I shouldn’t as a failure.  I just count the points for it and if I have to dip into my extra points allowance for the week to account for it then I do.  That is what they are there for anyway :) I know anyone reading this that knows nothing about Weight Watchers will not know what I am talking about and may not even care, but I hope I can encourage someone or at least keep myself accountable.

So all in all it was a good day for me and I celebrate those.  And that includes mainly the time spent with my niece and nephew and the rest of my family. 

The Journey Begins. . . Again!

I rejoined Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time last night. I guess it is true what they say: if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. My sister goes too so that is helpful. I am definitely afraid of failure again, meaning I will just give up and quit, like I have so many times in the past but I am really hoping not to this time. I just need to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time, actually even one meal at a time, and not worry about how long it will take to lose all this weight.  My first day did not go so bad today though.  I stuck to the basics of the plan and tracked everything I ate and counted the points.  I will celebrate the small victories :)

On the downside we have gas leak in the backroom of the house.  The gas company shut off the gas and my brother-in-law is supposed to fix it tomorrow – please God! After that I guess the gas company will check it out.